Groaners

[bejohnson]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
-----------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please ! say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[bejohnson]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her the truth , her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

[bejohnson]

For all you beer lovers.

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

[bejohnson]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well"
"Ok," he says "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old time's sake"
"Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea!" she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man
moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on theground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put theirclothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he
was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says, "fifty years ago that
damn fence wasn't electric."

[bejohnson]

A second grader asked her mother,
"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, dear. He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for
200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy!."

[bejohnson]

:lmao

[bejohnson]

SOMETIMES

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows

[redphoenix]

OMFG HAHA I will have to show my girlfriend this!

[bejohnson]

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[bejohnson]

A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very
serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would
ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight
loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and
a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks
to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same
thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders
their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when
he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the
fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it
he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine!

[WazLady73]

:lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2

That last one is really cute!!!!!!

If someone really started a company like that they would really clean house:rofl2 :lmao

[wazman]

I've got a few Polish jokes I'd share, but I don't want to offend any of the other Polish forum members (if indeed there are any others). Anybody mind if I post them?

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by wazman
I've got a few Polish jokes I'd share, but I don't want to offend any of the other Polish forum members (if indeed there are any others). Anybody mind if I post them?

Go ahead. Most poles I know like a good Polish joke. Most of them married one.:jawsdown

[wazman]

OK, I will. But first:

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide,
"What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but
VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

"Bass Solo"

[wazman]

Now then:

A Polish guy was walking down the street when he saw a building on fire. He immediately became panicked and rushed to a phone to call the fire department.

The fire department answered and said "OK, building's on fire. How bad is it?"

The Polish guy responded "It's horrible! There's flames everywhere and lots of smoke and flames!"

The fire department guy replied, "OK, calm down. We're on our way. Now, we need to know one thing - how do we get there?"

The Polish guy thought for a minute and said "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

[blpeterson]

Why Women Are Cranky

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years
old only to find anything that comes in contact with
those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings
us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable
training bra contraption the boys in school will
snap until we have calluses on our backs

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens
(or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now
bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have
to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert
tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even
know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not)
is having sex for the first time which is about as
much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through
your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up
with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to
wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live
on dry crackers and water for a few months so we
don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother
John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and
we are), we learn to live with the growing little
angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night
and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's
Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we
swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants
every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives,
the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will
invariably burst right in the middle of the
shopping, and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet
moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the
obstetrician says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.
Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more
(or 10) good push," warranting a strong,
well-deserved impulse to punch the ******* (and
hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball
through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to
find that when all that cute" wears off, the
beautiful little darlings morph into walking,
jabbering wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking
little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are
almost grown now and we women hit our voracious
sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while
hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday
(which just happens to be the reason all that early
hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the
HRT (hormones) and chance cancer in those now
seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether
Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your
sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off
anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than
men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on
life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without
soaking their socks.

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make
the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah, right.

[WazLady73]

That is a good one blpeterson! :thumb

I like that:)

Here is one that I like too:)

~~~~

Computers: Masculine or Feminine?


A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ''chalk'' or ''pencil,'' she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine -- ''la'' maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.


Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ''What gender is a computer?''

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The group of Women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

[tweakerxp]

:lmao This has to be one of the funniest threads :lmao

[wazman]

Hey, now - don't pick on the men... We have enough trouble just figuring out what to say when you ask such loaded questions as "Do I look fat?" or "What are you thinking about?"

Number one tip to guys who are about to get married: just remember these two words: "Yes, dear." They will save your life.

[JCYC5]

:lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2

[wazman]

Yeah, sure, laugh now...

But don't say I didn't warn you... :)

[tantousha]

Oh man these are great...I'm definitly going to have to cut and paste a few of these....

I have a friend who is a banker and she has a shirt that reads:

Bankers do it with interest and charge a penalty for early withdrawl.

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by wazman
Yeah, sure, laugh now...

But don't say I didn't warn you... :)

Brandi and I will celibrate our 2nd anniversery in December. Since we only see each other about 80 - 100 days/year we'll be newlyweds for a long time.:thumb I can say though in our 11 year relationship we have never been even cross with one another.:D

[WazLady73]

Here is another funny email a friend sent me..the answer's to the questions are written by kids..

Quite funny! :rofl

~~~~

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10


What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8


What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8


What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10


What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9


When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8


Is it better to be single or married?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9


How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8


How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

[wazman]

WazLady and I will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary one week from today - and those two words have saved my life more than once... :)

[SNAFU]

:lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2

These are just TOO FUNNY!!!

[egarrard]

Originally posted by bejohnson
Brandi and I will celibrate our 2nd anniversery in December. Since we only see each other about 80 - 100 days/year we'll be newlyweds for a long time.:thumb I can say though in our 11 year relationship we have never been even cross with one another.:D Hmmmm.... Was that a Freudian slip, or did you mean to spell "Celebrate" in the same manner that you'd spell "Celibate"? :What the

:Wink

[SNAFU]

:lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao

[chkers30]

Originally posted by bejohnson
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
-----------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please ! say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

:lmao :rofl2 Boy, I gotta make copy this...

[chkers30]

Originally posted by bejohnson
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her the truth , her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

OUCH. :rofl2

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by egarrard
Hmmmm.... Was that a Freudian slip, or did you mean to spell "Celebrate" in the same manner that you'd spell "Celibate"? :What the

:Wink
Blind fingers. They can't see the keys.:)

[bejohnson]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers ! !

[bejohnson]

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer,dinner on the stove and the table set.

She was astonished.

Something's up!!

It turned out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have.... Sex !!.

That night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward ? " asked her friends."

"Oh, that was perfect too......... ,Charley was too tired !

[bejohnson]

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 10:00 PM.

She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The redhead placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[bejohnson]

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel room.

Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie. The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

[bejohnson]

NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

[Silent_Death911]

i like the last 2. ROFLMAO :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2

[bejohnson]

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of *****.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence....

THREE PROOFS THAT ***** WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was *****.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

***** WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

***** WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

***** WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

***** WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

***** WAS IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence .........

THREE PROOFS THAT ***** WAS A WOMAN .....

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

[bejohnson]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...

No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders,
No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf,
No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hotdogs,
No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes, towels for hats. Constant whining from the
guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
24-hour wailing from a guy in the minaret.

No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas, and you can't shave.
Your wife can't shave, you can't shower to wash off the smell
of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like
your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition - - -
and you can't guess why.

Then some schmuck tells you, if you blow yourself up, things get better!

NO MYSTERY HERE.

[bejohnson]

The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9 Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...

[bejohnson]

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi told them to get a young, strong, virile man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi said, will cause the woman to climax.

So the couple tried it. After several attempts, still no climax.

They went back to the rabbi.

The rabbi said for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night, and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, that's how you wave a towel."

[bejohnson]

Mirror Image

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
codger decided it was time to visit the big city.


In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed.......

"So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."

[wazman]

OK.

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by wazman
OK.

OK??

[egarrard]

Originally posted by bejohnson
OK?? Weird that J-E-S-U-S got caught in the filter, but B-I-T-C-H didn't... :spin

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by egarrard
Weird that J-E-S-U-S got caught in the filter, but B-I-T-C-H didn't... :spin

uh-huh What it you were Hispanic with the name of J-e-s-u-s.
(John) Pronounced Hay-zeus

[egarrard]

Originally posted by bejohnson
uh-huh What it you were Hispanic with the name of J-e-s-u-s.
(John) Pronounced Hay-zeus
God works too. Beats me how they come up with the bad word file.

[bejohnson]

Originally posted by egarrard
God works too. Beats me how they come up with the bad word file.

Maybe we should ask Efer or Rod?

[Grinder]

The Far Side Outcasts:


http://grinder66.home.comcast.net/cs.gif

[egarrard]

Originally posted by Grinder
The Far Side Outcasts:


http://grinder66.home.comcast.net/cs.gif I'll bet he stole a line from Col. Sanders and tried to pass them off as finger-lickin'-good, too. :devil

[Artcwolf]

Originally posted by bejohnson
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
-----------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please ! say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

I beat you to the punch on this one...read it here (http://3dgameman.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=5018).

[mrman_3k]

This is from Maddox, if it is too extreme, feel free to delete it:



Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.



Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.

I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, *****.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that **** makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the ***** down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the ***** on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a *****; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bull****. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to **** like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an *******. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking *****, just buy the ***** a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bull**** like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

People have sent me chain mail and have subsequently received beatings.

[schoolreallysux]

Yea soo imma little bored. anyway post your fav joke.

nothing bad like raciest or sexiest. sterotypes are ok so long as they arent used as the butt of the joke (dumb blond is about the only time it doesnt count). but it can be a little naughty (this is why i love being 13 and a boy) anyway post something!


My fav:

An india chief walks into a store and ask for a condom.
The guy at the desk gives him an old beat up, but useable condom, and the chief thanks him an walks out the out.

The next day the indian chief comes in the next day and gives the store keeper the condom back
You can clearly tell it has been used and damaged.
The store keeper then says "You stupid b**tard what'd you do to my condom?"
The indian chief then says "left ball go "ugh" right ball go "ugh" and condom go pop"

The store keep then says "ok then well heres a better one." and the chief walks out the door with a slightly better condom home.

The next day the chief gives it back and the store keep says "You a****e what'd you do to my condom?!?!?!?!?"
The chief then says "left ball go "ugh" right ball go "ugh" condom go pop"
The keeper then says "ok well here is a new condom" (and if you were there to see it you could tell it was a nice expensive/well made condom)

(this joke is almost over dont worry)

Then the chief comes in the next day and shows the broken condom to the store keeper and the store keeper goes "You stupid ba***** what'd you do to my condom??"

The chief then says "left ball go" ugh", condom go "ugh", right ball go pop."

Sorry its soo long and i hope i didnt make anyone mad.

[thephenom]

I don't really get it.... explain?:What the

[egarrard]

Originally posted by schoolreallysux
Yea soo imma little bored. anyway post your fav joke.

nothing bad like raciest or sexiest. sterotypes are ok so long as they arent used as the butt of the joke (dumb blond is about the only time it doesnt count). but it can be a little naughty (this is why i love being 13 and a boy) anyway post something!


My fav:

An india chief walks into a store and ask for a condom.
The guy at the desk gives him an old beat up, but useable condom, and the chief thanks him an walks out the out.

The next day the indian chief comes in the next day and gives the store keeper the condom back
You can clearly tell it has been used and damaged.
The store keeper then says "You stupid b**tard what'd you do to my condom?"
The indian chief then says "left ball go "ugh" right ball go "ugh" and condom go pop"

The store keep then says "ok then well heres a better one." and the chief walks out the door with a slightly better condom home.

The next day the chief gives it back and the store keep says "You a****e what'd you do to my condom?!?!?!?!?"
The chief then says "left ball go "ugh" right ball go "ugh" condom go pop"
The keeper then says "ok well here is a new condom" (and if you were there to see it you could tell it was a nice expensive/well made condom)

(this joke is almost over dont worry)

Then the chief comes in the next day and shows the broken condom to the store keeper and the store keeper goes "You stupid ba***** what'd you do to my condom??"

The chief then says "left ball go" ugh", condom go "ugh", right ball go pop."

Sorry its soo long and i hope i didnt make anyone mad. Ummm...just how old are you? I heard that one in elementary school. 5th grade, if I remember correctly. :banghead

[SNAFU]

Maybe it's because it's sooo old that it has already been long forgotten

[egarrard]

Originally posted by SNAFU
Maybe it's because it's sooo old that it has already been long forgotten Now, THAT'S a real possibility. :devil

[Xilant]

I have a good french joke. Most of you problably don't understand. But i'm still Posting it... I just have to...

I'll y avait trois minous. Ils sont mort en meme temps et ont été voirs St. Pierre pour entrer aux cieux. St.Piere a dit qu'ils avaient besoins de traverser une rivier qui avait des roches sans se tremper. Le plus trempe que un des minous étaient, le plus longtemps en enfer qu'il passaient avant d'entrer au cieux.

Donc, le premiere p'tit minou va... Il cour, cour, il pass la rivier, seulement the bou de sa queue est trempe. St.Piere lui dit, c'est l'valeur, tu as 6 semaine en enfer...

Le deuxieme p'tit minou va.... Il cour et cour bien proche au bou de la riviere et il trempe ses quatre patte... St.Piere lui dit, c'est l'valeur, tu as 6 mois en enfer...

Maintenent, le dernier p'tit minou vas. Il cour et cour bien proche a fin, il trébuche et tombe completement dans la riviere... Tous trempe, il vas voir St.Piere. St.Piere lui dit... C'est l'valeur Tu as une éternité dans l'enfer...

Le moral de l'histoire. Le plus tremp le minou le plus dure les Saint....

[egarrard]

Originally posted by Xilant
I have a good french joke. Most of you problably don't understand. But i'm still Posting it... I just have to...

I'll y avait trois minous. Ils sont mort en meme temps et ont été voirs St. Pierre pour entrer aux cieux. St.Piere a dit qu'ils avaient besoins de traverser une rivier qui avait des roches sans se tremper. Le plus trempe que un des minous étaient, le plus longtemps en enfer qu'il passaient avant d'entrer au cieux.

Donc, le premiere p'tit minou va... Il cour, cour, il pass la rivier, seulement the bou de sa queue est trempe. St.Piere lui dit, c'est l'valeur, tu as 6 semaine en enfer...

Le deuxieme p'tit minou va.... Il cour et cour bien proche au bou de la riviere et il trempe ses quatre patte... St.Piere lui dit, c'est l'valeur, tu as 6 mois en enfer...

Maintenent, le dernier p'tit minou vas. Il cour et cour bien proche a fin, il trébuche et tombe completement dans la riviere... Tous trempe, il vas voir St.Piere. St.Piere lui dit... C'est l'valeur Tu as une éternité dans l'enfer...

Le moral de l'histoire. Le plus tremp le minou le plus dure les Saint.... :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :rofl2

[wazman]

OK... because the only joke I get at all here is Whisps... :What the

I just don't get the rest at all (and I don't speak French)...

[thephenom]

Originally posted by wazman
OK... because the only joke I get at all here is Whisps... :What the

I just don't get the rest at all (and I don't speak French)...
That makes the two of us, and I'm too lazy to go to babel fish to translate the french one.

[schoolreallysux]

Originally posted by thephenom
I don't really get it.... explain?:What the

Read the last line carefully....

[thephenom]

Originally posted by schoolreallysux
Read the last line carefully....
Still don't get it....

[wazman]

Originally posted by schoolreallysux
Read the last line carefully....

I have... Believe me, I have...

Still doesn't make sense...

[wazman]

Originally posted by thephenom
That makes the two of us, and I'm too lazy to go to babel fish to translate the french one.

I just did it, it doesn't make sense, and I still don't get it...

[stylinprofilin]

its right blew up?

[wazman]

Ouch... :jawsdown

And I still don't get why that's funny... :confused:

[SNAFU]

Two blondes were walking on opposite sides of the road

One blonde asks the other "How do you get to the other side?"

The other responds "STUPID! You're ON the other side!"

[schoolreallysux]

Originally posted by SNAFU
Two blondes were walking on opposite sides of the road

One blonde asks the other "How do you get to the other side?"

The other responds "STUPID! You're ON the other side!"


finally something funny. i ll admit my joke wasnt that funny. then again i heard it when i was like in the 2ed grade...... owell just try to keep posting ur fav jokes

[SNAFU]

Here's a few I got from another site

a bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a... beer!"
The bar tender asks "why the pause?"
The bear says "I was born with them!"


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"


and for the animal activists:
A seal walks into a club...


An !d!ot walks into a bar.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[bejohnson]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[bejohnson]

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

[bejohnson]

Modern Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota American Indians says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern industry and government, a range of more advanced strategies are employed:

buy a stronger whip
change riders
threaten the horse with termination
appoint a committee to study the horse
arrange to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
lower the standards so the dead horse can be included
re-classify the dead horse as "living impaired"
hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
harness several dead horses together to increase the speed
provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
do a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance
declare that a dead horse does not require feeding, is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
re-write the expected performance requirements for all horses
promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[bejohnson]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.


"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"

His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy, what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

[bejohnson]

The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men ****y and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[JCYC5]

:jawsdown :lmao

[mrman_3k]

This stuff is great:bounce

[Xilant]

Originally posted by thephenom
That makes the two of us, and I'm too lazy to go to babel fish to translate the french one.

The joke would not be funny in english...

Minou is kitten and Saint in french is breast also... (well spelled differently of course but sounds the same.)

So technically the weter the kitten the harder the breasts... Its one of those jokes that's only funny in one language

[t00lb0x]

Okay this is one of my favorites. Its not meant to be racist, but I think it should be posted.



Q: What do you call a black person flying a plane?

A: A pilot, you racist

[bejohnson]

A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the exam room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Brown is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?". The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said,


"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[bejohnson]

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone. ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

Beauty is only a light switch away. --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ---The Irish Times, Washington, DC

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. ---The Janitor

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

[bejohnson]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry,"
"Yellow...............lemon,"
"Green................lime,"
"Orange...............orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste."Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out - they're a**holes!!!"

[bejohnson]

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

[bejohnson]

A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom
Retirement Home. "The material we put into our stomachs is
enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be dirty
and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all
and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what
food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after you eat it?"

In the front row, 75-year-old Morris stands up and says . .
. . "Wedding cake".

[blpeterson]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over
the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me
fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean
to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and
square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever
needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "T'was me that made ye hit the ball
here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad
ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He
adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If
I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't
even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes
twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."

[blpeterson]

If you have kids, want to have kids or take care of kids go here.

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/splish_splash2/splish_splash2.swf

[blpeterson]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:
What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)










M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking you pervert?

[blpeterson]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage
on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell
Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too.

And I'll be darn if I'm sticking around here by myself with an
$80,000 mortgage, and no bike."

[blpeterson]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[mrman_3k]

LOL:rofl2

[bejohnson]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[west1055]

Texas Hunters
A couple of Texas hunters are out
in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips
out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing
voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. But first, lets make sure he's dead."

"OK", the hunter says.... He puts down
the phone, then there is a silence,
then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[thephenom]

Originally posted by west1055
Texas Hunters
A couple of Texas hunters are out
in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips
out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing
voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. But first, lets make sure he's dead."

"OK", the hunter says.... He puts down
the phone, then there is a silence,
then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
:lmao :rofl2 :KICK ASS

[JCYC5]

That is freaky. The principle of my school just told that joke in the assembly this morning...

[neutralz]

Originally posted by west1055
Texas Hunters
A couple of Texas hunters are out
in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips
out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing
voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. But first, lets make sure he's dead."

"OK", the hunter says.... He puts down
the phone, then there is a silence,
then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

:rofl2 :lmao :rofl2 :lmao :rofl2

[neutralz]

i dont really get the first joke too :P

[JCYC5]

Maybe Ed can translate the French one...

[Darc]

How did the Redneck find his sister in the woods????



FANTASTIC!!!

[ZeRrk]

I've got a few short ones...

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory? Cause she was throwing out all the W's.

[egarrard]

Q. How do Smurfs make love?
A. They smuck.

Okay, so is that where they get this?

[Phat_Cow]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
-------------------------------------

Classified Ad:
For Sale:

Apple iPod
15 GB model, lightly used
167 songs loaded

The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million.
I'll let it go for $5 million, plus shipping.
---------------------------------------------------
Osama bin Laden, You son of a bctih!
May your balls develop a seven year itch.
May your pecker be twisted
in such a manner,
that your ahossle whistles
the Star Spangled Banner!

God Bless America!
--------------------------------------------------
Top 11 Names For U.S. Retaliation Against Osama bin Laden:

11. Operation: Yo Mama Bin Laden
10. Operation: Desert Turd
9. Operation: Afghani-Slam Fest 2001
8. Operation: Toli-Bomb
7. Operation: I-C-B-Enema
6. Operation: The Shiite Hits The Fan
5. Operation: Kiss Your Ass-Ghanistan Good Bye
4. Operation: F.U.B.A.R.
3. Operation: And The Camel You Rode In On
2. Operation: Red, White & Ka-blewey!
1. Operation: Osama Bend-Over
-------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
---------------------------------------------------

[MGE]

Here's a couple of my favourites:

Foolhardy Helper
A man appears before saint Peter at the pearly gates: "Have you done anything of perticular merit, son?" enquires Pete.
"Well, I can only think of one thing," the man offers, "I was in Cardiff and came across a gang of bikers threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approched the largest and most heavily tattooed of the lot, smacked him hard on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and told him to leave her alone or answer to me."
"I see," said St Peter, highly impressed, "and when did this happen?"
"Oh," replies the man, "just a couple of minutes ago."
:D

Patient request worries staff
A man lies on his hospital bed, desperately ill with an oxygen mask covering his mouth. A young nurse doing her rounds arrives to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "tell me, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse explains how she's only there to wash him, and carries on about her business.
"Please nurse," pleads the man, again, "I have to know, are my testicles black?"
Again, the nurse refuses to check, but duly concerned she summons the ward sister to see what the problem is.
"Sister," the man mumbles, clearly in pain, "all I want to know is if my testicles are black?"
With that, the ward sister whips off the bed sheets, strips him and has a good poke around his clockweights. Nothing.
"There's absolutly nothing wrong with those," she yells at the man, "now please leave us to do our job!"
"For Christ's sake," shouts the man, pulling away his oxygen mask, "I couldn't give a hoot about my b*ll*cks - I want to know if my Test Results are back!"
:rofl2

Customer blunders in
A man is sat in a restaurant, waiting to order. A stunning waitress with a sexy, plunging neckline shimmies over, her tiny skirt revealing the finest legs the customer's ever laid eyes on. She smiles, her huge breasts vying for freedom from her top; "Would you like to order sir?" she asks.
The man spies an opportunity: he's single, she's probably single... what's he got to lose? Gathering himself, he looks up from the menu: "How's about a Quickie?"
Enraged by his insolence, the waitress flies off the handle, smacking the man about his face and screaming insults before storming off to see the manager.
Having witnessed the entire event, a nearby diner leans across to the man and proffers some advice: "Don't mind me, but I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
:rofl2 :rofl2

[egarrard]

Originally posted by MGE
A man is sat in a restaurant, waiting to order. A stunning waitress with a sexy, plunging neckline shimmies over, her tiny skirt revealing the finest legs the customer's ever laid eyes on. She smiles, her huge breasts vying for freedom from her top; "Would you like to order sir?" she asks.
The man spies an opportunity: he's single, she's probably single... what's he got to lose? Gathering himself, he looks up from the menu: "How's about a Quickie?"
Enraged by his insolence, the waitress flies off the handle, smacking the man about his face and screaming insults before storming off to see the manager.
Having witnessed the entire event, a nearby diner leans across to the man and proffers some advice: "Don't mind me, but I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
:rofl2 :rofl2 Now THAT is funny!

[thephenom]

Originally posted by MGE

Customer blunders in
A man is sat in a restaurant, waiting to order. A stunning waitress with a sexy, plunging neckline shimmies over, her tiny skirt revealing the finest legs the customer's ever laid eyes on. She smiles, her huge breasts vying for freedom from her top; "Would you like to order sir?" she asks.
The man spies an opportunity: he's single, she's probably single... what's he got to lose? Gathering himself, he looks up from the menu: "How's about a Quickie?"
Enraged by his insolence, the waitress flies off the handle, smacking the man about his face and screaming insults before storming off to see the manager.
Having witnessed the entire event, a nearby diner leans across to the man and proffers some advice: "Don't mind me, but I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
:rofl2 :rofl2 [/B]
I like that, which restaurant do they serve Quickies???? :KICK ASS :Wink

[ch0g0nda]

Why do women have smaller feet then men?

[thephenom]

Originally posted by ch0g0nda
Why do women have smaller feet then men?
Why?:What the

[ch0g0nda]

So they can stand closer to the sink.


EDIT: whoops. Didn't see the word "good" in the title of this thread.

[JohnathanJones]

Here's a quicker way to flash your bios. Put your motherboard in a recliner chair. Get a large breast woman with at least a D sized. Cup now keep in mind a pair of boobs equals 1.44 Megs. Ask her to lift her shirt and boom your bios is flashed. Now you can avoid dragging you browser over to the motherboard’s manufacturer website and downloading it for now on. Ok plug the computer in and see how it responds if your computer had 533MHZ memory and it shows up as 200MHZ her breast were too small go back and try again!

[schoolreallysux]

probem is those of us u can get girls in our homes (me) well.... cant get the girl

and those u could get girls in their homes are kinda "tired down" and they dont wanna cheat on their other.....








i hope

[bejohnson]

Two Arabs are chatting. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr" he said displaying a picture.

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr also." he says as he displayed a second picture.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab pensively says, "They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"

[west1055]

:Holy Crap





:lmao :rofl2

[bejohnson]

It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to
stay home from church because of strep throat. When the
rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches,
the little boy asked what they were for. His mother
explained, "People held them over Jesu5' head as he walked
by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I
don't go to church, and Jesu5 shows up!"