A Joke.

[wazman]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[neutralz]

:rofl2 :rofl2

[XxFaeryOnFirexX]

better have been good... spent 1.2mil on that 'chicken'

[tanman_sg]

poor parrot.

but how could a blind/deaf person catch a bird?

[marko3xl3]

Originally posted by tanman_sg
poor parrot.

but how could a blind/deaf person catch a bird?

That's why it's a joke...how could a 12 year+ old carrot know the whole bible??

KICKASS JOKE

[tanman_sg]

heres another one for ya:


A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "***** is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "***** is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "***** is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying '***** is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What ***** would name a parrot 'Clarence'?"

The parrot replied, "Same ***** who named the Rottweiler '*****'."

[tanman_sg]

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[tanman_sg]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

[tanman_sg]

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him,who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the ****pit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

[wazman]

Originally posted by tanman_sg
heres another one for ya:


A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jezus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jezus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jezus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jezus is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idi0t would name a parrot 'Clarence'?"

The parrot replied, "Same idi0t who named the Rottweiler 'Jezus'."

tanman - I edited the joke to show what the bleeped out parts were. Hope you don't mind. I didn't know if people would get it the other way.

[wazman]

Here's one (if this is too racy mods please remove it):

A woman decides to buy a pet, so she goes to the pet shop. She wants something exotic, and tells the clerk this. He suggests several different things to her, but she rejects all of them.

Finally, he says, "Well, we do have one more thing here. Over here in this corner is a frog."

She says "What's so special about a frog?"

He says "Well, this frog has a unique gift - it will perform oral sex on a woman upon command."

The woman is amazed and buys the frog.

Later on that day, she decides to test the frog's prowess. So she lights candles, puts on soft music, and lies down on the bed nude. She then puts the frog between her legs and gives the command.

Nothing happens. So she tries again.

Still nothing.

Finally, she calls the pet shop and complains to the clerk. The clerk says "OK, no problem. I'll be right over to take care of it."

A few minutes later, the clerk walks in and starts to take his clothes off. He shakes his head at the frog and says, "OK, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."

[neutralz]

:rofl2 :rofl2 :lmao :lmao

[wazman]

One more (non-pet related):

A state policeman sees a car on the highway that's going very slowly. He pulls the car over and walks up to the window. Inside are four old ladies, and three of them are white as ghosts and shaking.

The cop says to the lady who's driving "I pulled you over because you're driving too slow. That can be just as dangerous as going too fast, you know. Why are you driving so slow?"

The woman says "I'm just going the speed limit, Officer."

The cop says "What do you mean? You're nowhere near the speed limit."

The women says "Yes, I am - see?" and points to a road sign with the number 22 on it.

The cop shakes his head and says "Ma'am, that's the highway number. You're on Highway 22. That's not the speed limit sign."

The woman says "Oh... I'm sorry, officer."

The cop says "That's all right. But, before I let you get back on the road - is everyone here all right? These other ladies look like they've been scared half to death."

The woman laughs and says "Oh, it's all right, Officer. You see, before we got on this road, we were on Highway 117."

[tanman_sg]

Originally posted by wazman
tanman - I edited the joke to show what the bleeped out parts were. Hope you don't mind. I didn't know if people would get it the other way.

i hadin't noticed.

:p