opus17
03-17-2004, 09:06 PM
> Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One-Liners
>
> 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a
> boy... I'd
> have had nothing to play with.
>
> 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come
> on over;
> nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
>
> 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk
> to me.
> Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
>
> 4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a
> guy
> jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why
> are you
> doing that ?" He said "Because you came home
> early."
>
> 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I
> put a
> shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
> briefcase,
> and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
> bathroom.
>
> 6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
> sandbox,
> the cat kept covering me up.
>
> 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys
> were a
> toaster and radio.
>
> 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never
> breast fed me.
> She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
>
> 9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a
> picture of the
> kid who came with his wallet.
>
> 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the
> waiting room
> and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did
> everything we
> could, but he pulled through."
>
> 11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning
> sickness AFTER I
> was born.
>
> 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and
> they sent a
> piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted
> more
> proof.
>
> 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and
> asked him
> to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you
> think
> we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid.
> There's so
> many places they can hide."
>
> 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
> next
> Tuesday.
>
> 15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and
> people kept
> asking how big I'd get.
>
> 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every
> morning when I
> get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
> throwing up;
> What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know
> but your
> eyesight is perfect."
>
> 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
> bottle of
> sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few
> drinks and
> get some rest.
>
> 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
> "How can
> I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off
> a cliff.
>
> 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in
> every room
> he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my
> arm. Last
> night he went on the paper four times - three of
> those times
> I was reading it.
>
> 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for
> birth
> control.
>
> 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting
> in his lap;
> he was in the electric chair.
>
> And my Favorite:
>
> I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my
> mother
:luxhello :thumb :wavey :Beer :beer :KICKASS
>
> 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a
> boy... I'd
> have had nothing to play with.
>
> 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come
> on over;
> nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
>
> 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk
> to me.
> Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
>
> 4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a
> guy
> jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why
> are you
> doing that ?" He said "Because you came home
> early."
>
> 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I
> put a
> shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
> briefcase,
> and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
> bathroom.
>
> 6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
> sandbox,
> the cat kept covering me up.
>
> 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys
> were a
> toaster and radio.
>
> 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never
> breast fed me.
> She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
>
> 9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a
> picture of the
> kid who came with his wallet.
>
> 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the
> waiting room
> and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did
> everything we
> could, but he pulled through."
>
> 11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning
> sickness AFTER I
> was born.
>
> 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and
> they sent a
> piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted
> more
> proof.
>
> 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and
> asked him
> to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you
> think
> we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid.
> There's so
> many places they can hide."
>
> 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
> next
> Tuesday.
>
> 15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and
> people kept
> asking how big I'd get.
>
> 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every
> morning when I
> get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
> throwing up;
> What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know
> but your
> eyesight is perfect."
>
> 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
> bottle of
> sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few
> drinks and
> get some rest.
>
> 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
> "How can
> I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off
> a cliff.
>
> 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in
> every room
> he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my
> arm. Last
> night he went on the paper four times - three of
> those times
> I was reading it.
>
> 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for
> birth
> control.
>
> 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting
> in his lap;
> he was in the electric chair.
>
> And my Favorite:
>
> I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my
> mother
:luxhello :thumb :wavey :Beer :beer :KICKASS