bejohnson
10-02-2008, 03:38 PM
Real 911 calls
* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
* Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
* Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
* Dispatcher: Excuse me?
* Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
* Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
* Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
* Dispatcher: 911
* Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
* Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
* Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
* Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
* Caller: No
* Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
* Caller: Running from the Police.
* Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
* Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
* Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
* Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
* Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
* Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
* Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
* Caller: No, you *****! This is her husband!
=============================================
FBI Agents and Pizza Man
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Francisco that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the group of agents got quite hungry. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, this is what was recorded when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 20 large pizzas and 70 cans of coke.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the psychiatric hospital please.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and cokes to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
=============================================
A Courtroom Scene
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the claimant's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE CLAIMANT IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
=============================================
Clever business at a young age
A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins.
=============================================
Rolls Royce Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"
=============================================
Curiosity gets the Priest
A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.
The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"
"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."
"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"
"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"
"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.
"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
=============================================
The smart way to catch Burglars
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In two short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.
* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
* Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
* Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
* Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
* Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
* Dispatcher: Excuse me?
* Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
* Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
* Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
* Dispatcher: 911
* Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
* Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
* Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
* Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
* Caller: No
* Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
* Caller: Running from the Police.
* Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
* Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
* Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
* Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
* Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
* Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
* Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
* Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
* Caller: No, you *****! This is her husband!
=============================================
FBI Agents and Pizza Man
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Francisco that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the group of agents got quite hungry. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, this is what was recorded when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 20 large pizzas and 70 cans of coke.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the psychiatric hospital please.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and cokes to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.
=============================================
A Courtroom Scene
Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.
Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear??!!
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Okay so if your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?
Witness: Yes, correct.
Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the claimant's ear?
Witness: No.
Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE CLAIMANT IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!
Witness: I saw him spit it out.
(Dead Silence)
Attorney: No more questions.
=============================================
Clever business at a young age
A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins.
=============================================
Rolls Royce Loan
A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"
=============================================
Curiosity gets the Priest
A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.
The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"
"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."
"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"
"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"
"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.
"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
=============================================
The smart way to catch Burglars
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In two short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.